Give Yourself Permission To Imagine More Love In Your Life

If you are uncomfortable today because you’ve been hurt, you aren’t alone. Often times, the day-to-day steps that led to you feeling hurt in your relationship were subtle enough that maybe you didn’t even notice them. Now, you wonder how to re-ignite the passion in your marriage. You want to let go of the pain of the past that keeps you from fully embracing love today. You know you deserve more, but something inside of you or something about him keeps  you from truly achieving the happiness you always wanted. The answer lies in turning your joyful GPS system back on.

Today I’d like to get you thinking about that process and how to start believing again. It starts with looking at what happened as that ended up with you letting go of what you know you want and deserve. Let me begin with an example.

If you read this post, you know that my tiny 7 year old daughter believed she could ride rodeo bulls.

To be honest, I knew that belief would pass since I was quite steeped in the the practical, sensible, day-to-day duties of “real life.” I was mired in the details of what we should have for dinner, when I would get the laundry done, how much homework my kids needed to do on a given day, whether I will get to work on time, and (most stressful) how to appease a difficult spouse. I did not have time for dreams that distracted me from the practicalities of surviving on a daily basis. Maybe you understand this struggle because it’s the life you’re living right now?

Finding the answers to how to get your dreams back can be so difficult because other things take priority. But here’s the question: When will you decide to take the steps toward living a life is that is more than daily drudgery? How can you begin to dream again and create a life that is more in line with what you imagined it to be? How can you get the love you know you deserve?

Turn your Joyful GPS back on

Turn your Joyful GPS back on

It starts with rekindling feelings. Your motivation must come from feeling good, happy, optimistic and excited. How do you do that when you are feeling stuck?

Like this. Think about your childhood dreams. What did you imagine romance would look like?

When you give yourself absolute permission to dream wildly, it will be that much easier for you to find the path to your true happiness. Even if your happiness takes two. One person can influence a relationship toward growth, revitalization and mutual happiness. I’ve seen it many times.

First you have to set your intention in the right direction. Think about the GPS system in your car. To get somewhere, you need to first input your destination. Then, you follow the directions and end up where you wanted to go. What if you make a wrong turn? Simple. You go back, figure out where the mistake happened, strategize next steps and begin the course correction. Fortunately, your GPS system guides you along the way to correct your course.

Directing your life toward the love you deserve is the same process. What you need is to turn on your joyful GPS system.

Ask yourself these question: What are my relationship dreams? How much of my dream is reality today? When did I stop believing in the love I imagined?

Do this. Get a journal. Go back to your childhood. Write down your childhood fantasies. Remember.

Once upon a time, I believed that my dolls were really alive. They knew me. They understood the words I said to them. They interacted with me, albeit silently. And I was the best mother in the world! I took the time to love, to nurture, to play.

My childhood dreams also included me as a prima ballerina. I believed I had the grace and talent to be the most famous ballerina in the universe! I went to see the Nutcracker Suite with my family and knew it was my destiny to be Clara.

Allow yourself the joy of connecting with your dreams

Allow your joyful GPS to reconnect you to the energy of your dreams

I saw Camelot in a live theater production and dreamed of my Sir Lancelot.

All of these things were in my future. I knew my life could follow the feelings of peace, confidence and love I felt as “the best mother in the world,” the feelings of grace, beauty and talent I felt as a “prima ballerina,” and the love, joy and companionship I felt imagining my life as Gwenevere. In spite of my childhood dreams, I eventually learned the “realities:” that prima ballerinas aren’t 6-feet tall, that Camelot is just a land someone made up, and that I would face the heartache of infertility.

Did realities like these cause me to stop dreaming? Does it have to happen that way? Couldn’t I have held on to those dreams and still pursued them tenaciously? Maybe I could have been the first 6-foot tall prima ballerina. Maybe Camelot could have been created in my own life. Maybe infertility blocked my path to biological parenthood, but I needn’t stop my dreams of being a mother.

Here’s what I know. Holding on to the feelings has led me to these realities:

  • I’ve found the love of my life and share a delightfully happy, healthy marriage
  • I’m embracing the role of “grandma” to my step-daughter’s new baby
  • I’m living with grace and beauty as I navigate life’s ups and downs

What is important is this: Your dreams are your GPS. Your GPS will remind you of the peace, confidence and love you need to believed in before the wrong turns led to where you are sitting today.

They can and will guide you to where you truly want to be. Reawaken those joyful hopes and your path toward improving your current situation comes within reach because you believe that this is possible. Once you believe, taking the concrete steps toward change become much, much easier.

Ready to awaken your joyful GPS system that leads you back to the love you deserve? Work with Tamara to grab the healthy love you truly deserve. Click “schedule” below to see available times for your free 30 minute consultation.

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For more of Tamara’s work, please visit www.2btru2you.com. Tamara’s podcast can also be found on  iTunes.

© Tamara Bess, LMFT 2016 All Rights Reserved. Any use of this article without Tamara’s express written permission is prohibited.

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Support: Crushing Debt In The Wake Of Leaving

Two-Ladies-having-lunch-copy“…they’re just so lazy. All they do is just sit there with their hands out for our tax dollars. They won’t get a job, even when they do, they hardly work. Such a drain on society. They are just as capable of earning a living as I am…” says a lady sitting at a table close by.

Casually changing the subject to other grave social matters her friend leans in,”Did you see the new ads for women of Domestic Violence? I don’t know how a woman can stay in a relationship like that. If you’re being beaten, it just makes sense to leave. I don’t understand why they don’t just leave.” The ladies continue their lunch in a popular restaurant, purses dangling from their chairs, without a second thought about their socially conscious cars in the parking lot. They may leave whenever they wish.

As often as I hear conversations like this I never cease to emotionally cringe. Depending on the level of ignorance, I can feel my jaw tighten in quiet rebellion and respect for the difficulty it takes to “just leave.” Most of us aspire to have a roof over our head, be able to make the bills of basic living, have reliable transportation, and if we have children, be able to meet their needs. If we are particularly honest with ourselves, most of us would like to be able to do this comfortably. I have yet to hold a conversations with someone who enjoys being the subject of our welfare systems.

We justify being victims in more than just our homes.

We justify being victims in more than just our homes.

Many of us find ways of justifying emotional and psychological abuse. We shrug of comments made by bosses, co-workers, “friends”, and family members. The same is true of someone who comes home to it in the form of Domestic Abuse. In the same way that we tolerate the boss who blows up every so often with illogical and unreasonable demands, Domestic Violence victims also learn to tolerate the occasional violent outburst of their abuser because often times, that is not the day to day (unless it is an advanced case). In the same way that most people do not want to do or say the “wrong thing” at work so as not to lose their job, let alone quit, a victim of violence and abuse does not want to lose their ability to survive and provide either.

Tereance P. Jefferey recently wrote an article for cnsnews.com statistically reporting the desperate welfare situation in our country based on the last report published by the Census Bureau in 2012. The number of people recorded dependent on state assistance was 109,631,000. This is excluding veteran’s benefits. With resources stretched thin, benefits being less than what they were, who would like to take the first leap into that reality?

The National Network to End Domestic Violence recently featured a superlative example of what victims of financial abuse, within their Domestic Abuse, are facing. Amy Kukec (read her story) found the courage to leave her abusive relationship only to ” hit one debilitating financial roadblock after another.” Her abusive husband overdrew their Chase account ultimately landing her in ChexSystems. That was just the beginning of the downward spiral.

I wonder if either of the two ladies having the earlier conversation has tried to get a bank account while in ChexSystems? How would they feel if they were unable to pay for lunch with a credit card because they could no longer obtain one. Would they be sitting having a nice lunch if they could only obtain a part time minimum wage job as so many employers are cutting hours because they can’t afford benefits?

financial-abuse

Before one casually sits back in the comfort of their own life, looking down their nose at the “parasites” of society and comments, “I don’t understand why they don’t just leave?” consider what one is telling them. Victims that have been financial crushed and crippled by their abuser not only fear for their ability to provide for their basic needs, as well as children if they are present, but they also fear the horrible social stigma of being relegated to a class people known as lazy beggars. They fear being social outcasts. They fear visiting that social sin on their children.

I am hopeful when I see articles as highlighted by NNEDV. If we can identify the obstacles of leaving, if they can be brought to a social awareness, then we can begin to do something about it. Kukec (read about Kukec) is doing her part by starting “a petition on Change.org calling for the bank to overhaul its procedures when dealing with the accounts of victims of domestic violence.” That is they key.

If society would like to see more victims leave abusive and violent relationships, we need to create a system that will support their rehabilitation. Without entities doing their part in the face of such human injustice, to assist in a persons ability in becoming economically viable and independent, they are by default contributing to the problem. Victims will be driven to chose between the “safety” of staying in abuse, or throw themselves at the mercy of a disinterested system that by default re-victimizes the victim.

transparent_background__small_Here is the grave reality. When companies, banks, and organizations hide behind policy in lieu of creating protective policy for victims of domestic abuse and violence, are they really acting in their best interest? If victims can’t get out from under the crushing damage visited on them by an abuser, who can they turn to to survive? State assistance. By helping victims financially rehabilitate we add to the pool of viable and producing citizens. By stubbornly hiding behind disinterest, we only add to an economic crisis, as well as the social stigma of the “lazy beggar”.

Live your life, don’t just survive it.

http://www.channel3000.com/money/stuck-in-cycle-of-debt-domestic-violence-victims-battle-banks/29466648

http://www.cnsnews.com/commentary/terence-p-jeffrey/354-percent-109631000-welfare

Revelations: Time to Shine

imagesTo All Of Our Followers,

2bSisters would like to thank all of our followers and interested parties for being a part of our evolution. So far, it has been an exciting and inspiring journey. We are thrilled to help shine a light on a subject that has had an obscure understanding at best. For as many cases and encounters that exist, both reported and unreported, it is stunning at how little we understand about Domestic Abuse and Violence as a society. We have yet to emphasize how profoundly it effects our social and economic fabric. We will continue refining our site for easier access to information, adding new voices to the cause, and inspiring empowered thinking.

2bSisters  promises to acknowledge the aching realities of Domestic Violence and Abuse. Victims can often times feel invisible and invalidated. We promise to give voice to their plight in an effort to help bridge the communication gap. This is important if we are going to be able to support each other in the healing process. I say “we” because we are in this together, victims and advocates alike. We are in this together as a society. We can help facilitate the journey back to a sense of well being and reunite friends and families. Together we can create healthier communities.

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We do this by sharing our stories. We do this by connecting with each other proving to victims, survivors, friends, and families they are not alone.  2bSisters passionately strives to connect the problem to the solutions.  Our task is to bring effective resources to our site; knowledgeable therapists, experts in the field, advocates, and activists who want to effect change. This is the path we are taking to contribute to a better future.

Again, thank you for your support as we work each day at meeting that promise. We thank you for lending your voice to our volume. We look forward to adding more voices until the decibel can neither be ignored nor drowned out.  This is a significant human rights issue that has earned our full attention.

Spread the word!

All of our love,

2bSisters

Anna’s Story – October 2008…..

October 2008……..
My husbands mother, was in the processing of divorcing his alcoholic stepfather that she had been with since my husband was a toddler (at that time we were 28 years old), and was experiencing some serious health challenges. When my husband explained to me the situation without any hesitation agreed that I would go to New Mexico, pack up his mom’s house, he would come up on a weekend, we would load up the Uhaul, and mover her to Arizona to live with us.

Now I’m not saying that my family had not jaded us in the past to people living at our house because we certainly felt on more than one occasion that we definitely had received the shorter end of the stick. His mom however, was no trouble at all at the house. She was very helpful and contributed to the household. It was nice having her. She and I went to Denver for a week to visit my husbands sisters and see their children. I was incredibly sick the entire trip. Chronic fatigue, dizziness, nausea, headaches, and foggy brain function. I was very emotional and wanted to go home early but stayed. To top it off, our son was teething and had a cold.

After returning to Az, his mom suggested that perhaps I needed to back on antidepressants since my hormones hadn’t rebalanced yet. I made an appointment to see my MD but ended up having such a bad day a few days before Thanksgiving that I took the next available. Also during that time, my husband’s stepfather came to our house at his lowest point promising to go to rehab who also wanted to stay with us. My husband did not want to allow this. He and I talked about it. Then we talked about it as a household with his mother. His mother and I persuaded him to at least give it a try. Far be it from me to deny someone the opportunity to genuinely improve their life. Things seemed to be going OK after I got adjusted to my meds. The medication seemed to help a lot with my symptoms and I was able to function again. Additionally my MD had tested me for hypoglycemia. So now I had to make sure I was eating and watch what and when I ate.

Now into the holiday season, his parents had been working on their relationship diligently. They had gone to counseling and his dad completed his intense outpatient rehab successfully. I have known my husband and his family since I was in junior high school and his dad had never looked better. I was very happy for his parents. They moved out and got their own place. We were still struggling financially. So enters my first attempt to pull a rabbit out of a hat…………….