Today I want to do something special and teach a little lesson about self love. I’d like to do that by introducing you to my beautiful sister!
She’s always been beautiful. Now, she’s taking the courage to make her inner beauty shine through.
Beautiful Le Before and After
As you can see, she’s been working VERY HARD. And peeling all of those layers off of yourself takes MORE than diet and exercise. She left a pretty unhealthy marriage (of 20 years) in February of 2012 and came back to California. Since she came back, I’ve had the pleasure of connecting with her at a heart level and supporting her growth process.
She and I blog about her healing journey. Today, I would love to share an incredible breakthrough she just made as she continues to heal at deeper levels. This week’s Thoughtful Thursday post is going to feature my response – because the response outlines part of my own healing and my suggestions for how she can “go there” too. Enjoy!
I have come to the realization that I have spent most of my life trying to be what other people wanted. My mom, my siblings, my partners. Always trying to be what I thought they wanted so that they would love me. That is no one’s fault but my own.
Some good has come of it though. Because of it I love people where they are, for who they are. But the time has come for me to find myself again. I want that smart, sassy, I can do anything and no one is going to stop me, I ain’t afraid of anyone or anything girl back again.
My Beautiful Sister at age 3
I really need to find myself. Who am I? What do I love in this life?
Yes I love working out and eating healthy, but my motivation to do those things was to attract a man. I can attract men the way I am but I’m still not happy with my body. I’m uncomfortable in my skin. I’ve gained 50 pounds and I hate the way I look and feel. That has nothing to do with anyone else. That is genuinely how I feel. My body is not right, right now and I have to take it back. Not to attract men, not because mom tells me I need to, but because I love myself enough to care for my body in a way that says I love you!
It is no one’s responsibility but my own that I have spent the majority of my life trying to be something I’m not so that others will love me. Reality is that people will either love you or they won’t no matter who or what you are. People will either love ME or they won’t no matter who I choose to be. I have no control over other people and how they feel about me. All I can do is be me. The me that is authentically who I am. It feels like I don’t know who that is, but honestly I do. I outlined it above. The problem is that I don’t stay her when I feel like she isn’t right for other people. When I feel like she will hurt, offend or make others angry. When someone, anyone, tells me she isn’t good enough or right. Yes people really do that!
I need to have my feet firmly cemented in who I am so that I don’t change for anyone or anything unless I decide I want to be different. But I don’t want to be different! I want to be her!
There are very few people in my life that I can be just who I am with. You, my sister, are one of those people. You are safe. But I need to learn to be me even when I don’t feel safe. Until I do, I do not think I will be truly happy. And I will certainly not be ready to let a man into my life.
I hate being alone. That’s part of it too. I’m still discovering what it is I need for myself and what I don’t need. A man is a definite don’t need. Sure I want one. I miss having one. But what good has it done me? Yes I have had blessings and lessons learned through the men I have had in my life. But I have never had a fullness of joy in those relationships because I was constantly trying to be someone I was not. I cannot allow myself to do that again and expect to have a happy, whole, full love life. It is my season to take the time to find that beautiful vibrant 3 year old living deep inside me. Yep 3, really! That is when I left to be someone else. My quest is to get her back!
For more of Tamara’s work, please visit www.2btru2you.com. Tamara’s podcast can also be found on iTunes.
© Tamara Bess, LMFT 2016 All Rights Reserved. Any use of this article without Tamara’s express written permission is prohibited.