To say last week was challenging is like trying to think cool thoughts when it is 118 degrees outside and the air conditioning is on vacation.
At the same time I was having a personal victory in court, my grandfather was passing away of aggressive brain cancer. An irony to be sure. Perhaps it was just life finding balance. Where I was gaining forward momentum, I was also about to have to deal with personal loss. After riding high on victory most of the morning, I received a call from my father in the early afternoon to let me know that grandfather went quickly and there was little to no suffering.
I hadn’t seen my grandfather in years, at least six. In fact, the last time I saw him I was with my abuser. Upon this realization, my brain was a flurry of snapshots, flipping faster than my awareness could keep up with. Before I could process what happened, I was sitting on my sofa in tears. What just happened?
Cost. Grieving. Grieving loss. It can be such an arduous process. The more traumatic the loss, the more formidable the circumstances pertaining to that loss, the longer it takes to heal. As I sat there on the sofa, not really caring that the tears were making their way down to my jawline to dangle a moment, I tried desperately to comprehend why I was having such a strong reaction. I know the obvious answer would be that someone I care about just died. But the truth is, his quality of life was terrible.
My grandfather, this noble and genteel man, could little more than sleep and shuffle to bathroom with help. The cancer had caused his speech to slur, hearing loss, loss of appetite, and lack of energy. He could no longer tend to his beautiful garden let alone any guests. So, for him to pass, was certainly more of a release than anything else. I completely understood this and with all of my heart wished him well on his next journey. Yet, there I sat, a wreck.
By the next day I was sure I had slept off the unreasonable effects of my grandfather’s death and was on my way to an important interview. I was only a few blocks away when I could feel the tears forcing their way to the surface. Are you kidding?! Could this possibly come at a worse time?! I was vocally yelling unkindly at myself, trying to get a grip on my emotions as I drove up to the interview.
I held myself together for the duration of the interview giving no thought to my personal life other than what was being directly asked by the potential employer. After an hour and two managers, I got the heck out of the area and went straight to my car. I was supposed to meet a friend in thirty minutes for lunch. All the while I felt like I was slowly breaking up with myself. Just when I thought perhaps I had to be the most ridiculous person I knew, I realized what was at heart of the matter. It was what I expected the least, yet made the most sense.
To be continued…..